Like many professionals, I'm outraged by such statements. Someone writes to a group, complains about their life, asks for advice, and then refuses treatment.
For me, it's comparable to this situation:
> For example, someone comes to Facebook and writes: > > "I can't walk, I can't feel my legs, I'm crawling around. How can I learn to walk? I remember walking and even running. Then I got hit by a bus and for some reason I stopped walking. > > Just don't suggest seeing a doctor. I've already been to the doctor, and he didn't cure my runny nose. What's the point of going back to him again? He'll just rip me off. Better advise me on how to manage this myself."
I read such requests and think: What century are we living in?
Henrietta's Story
For example, I had a client, let's say, Henrietta.
Henrietta's love life wasn't working out. She was attractive and attracted plenty of attention from men, but things never went beyond a couple of dates.
We began to figure out what was broken in the script's instructions. We found a whole chain of "fractures."
My grandmother's husband went off to war. He returned from the war, but not to his village, but to a neighboring one, to live with another woman. My grandmother was left alone with four children and raised them after the war.
Grandmother's youngest daughter, Henrietta's mother, said:
"Everything will be different for me."
She moved to the city and made a career. She didn't rely on anyone, but achieved prosperity on her own. She got married, but her husband "accidentally" turned out to be an alcoholic. He "cheated" on her every day with a bottle.
Did the scenario go differently? Both no and yes.
But he was a wonderful father when he wasn't drunk. So Henrietta wasn't afraid of men and didn't outwardly avoid them, but she had an inner imperative: a man would inevitably cheat.
Sometimes it is very difficult to completely replace a prescription at work, but you can find a more lenient version of it.
When Henrietta and I came to the conclusion that the order was not going to “grow together,” we began to look for options for “cheating” that might suit her:
- what if my husband cheats on me with work;
- with fishing;
- with a car;
- with a hobby?
Henrietta found a suitable way to cheat. A month and a half later, she met a man with whom she began a relationship that later developed into marriage.
Now they have two children, and Henrietta is not at all concerned about his “cheating”.
Why One Meeting Might Not Be Enough
In psychotherapy, a psychologist diagnoses a client for some time, just as a doctor necessarily diagnoses a patient.
Moreover, the more comprehensive this diagnosis is, the more accurate the treatment can be selected.
People who write "don't suggest a psychologist" often follow up with:
> "I tried it once, and it didn't help." > > "I tried it twice, and it didn't help."
Adults understand that it is impossible to conduct a comprehensive diagnosis of a serious illness in one visit to the doctor.
As in the previous example, the problem may lie across several generations or, as is very common, in the client's early childhood. It's impossible to clarify this in one or two meetings.
Vitaliy's Story
For example, one of my clients, let’s say Vitaly, couldn’t choose between two women.
He liked both of them, both fought for him. All three suffered, but he couldn't choose.
While we were trying to clarify the situation within the framework of our current relations, we were at an impasse. Nothing was moving forward.
But when I asked him to talk about his childhood, it turned out that his grandmother and mother were fighting with each other for influence over him and for the right to be involved in his upbringing.
This situation had such a profound emotional impact on Vitaly that he symbolically and unconsciously reenacted it as an adult. As a child, he couldn't choose between his mother and his grandmother. As an adult, he couldn't choose between two women.
We gradually unraveled the knots of his relationship:
- separately with mom;
- separately with grandma.
Three months later, one of Vitaly's lovers voluntarily gave up her advances. He "went" to the second woman—the choice had been made for him.
Vitaly was completely happy. He went to live with the "winner," and six months later, they formalized their relationship.
Psychological help doesn't work in just one meeting
Every psychologist has many such examples:
- healed relationships;
- healed traumas;
- relieved symptoms;
- restored self-esteem;
- strengthened self-confidence.
There are many psychological problems that a psychologist works with.
What should a psychologist do?
What advice would you give to a psychologist who is asked not to offer their work?
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Tamara Shaposhnikova Psychotherapist, psychologist in the country of origin, PhD in pedagogy, associate professor, psychotherapist of the Unified Register of European Psychotherapists, Corresponding Member of the International Academy of Postgraduate Education.