Adolescence is one of the most intense periods of life. Your body changes, as does your attitude toward yourself, others, and the future. And one of the most challenging changes is your relationship with your parents.
What adults often perceive as “a child’s character has deteriorated,” “he has stopped listening,” “he has become rude and withdrawn,” may be part of an important process—separation.
Separation is the gradual psychological and social separation of a child from their parents. It doesn't happen overnight. It can be roughly divided into five stages.
Stage One. Parents cease to be gods.
Until adolescence, a child's world is largely vertical. Adults are big, strong, and knowledgeable. They explain how the world works, what's good and what's bad, what's allowed and what's not.
But as teenagers grow, this vertical begins to transform into a horizontal one. They're almost the same height as adults, increasingly capable of independent thought, and the opinions of their peers become as important as those of their parents.
And then a painful discovery occurs: parents are not omnipotent.
They:
- are wrong;
- can be unfair;
- not everyone knows;
- not always understand.
Yesterday's "gods" are falling from their pedestals.
Moreover, teenagers aren't yet very good at seeing their parents as ordinary people, with their own strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, instead of idealization, devaluation often emerges:
"You don't understand anything."
"Don't tell me what to do."
"I know it myself."
This leads to protest, arguments, aggression, and refusal to obey. This is difficult for parents. But behind this behavior lies an important goal: the teenager is trying to establish his or her place in the world.
Stage Two. Finding New Idols
When it becomes clear that parents are not perfect, the question arises: who is perfect then?
The search for new samples begins.
These could be musicians, actors, athletes, bloggers, writers—anyone who embodies something very attractive to a teenager: freedom, strength, beauty, talent, independence, courage.
Idols, fantasies, attempts to copy clothes, manner of speech, interests and lifestyle appear.
When this happens, sometimes parents get scared:
"Where did my child go? Who did he look like?"
But this is often a temporary stage. The teenager tries on different identities to gradually find their own.
Stage Three. Finding a Significant Adult
Gradually the ideal image begins to approach reality.
Now the teenager can look for a person to look up to within his own circle.
This could be:
- teacher;
- coach;
- older relative;
- club leader;
- family friend.
And here it is especially important what kind of adults are nearby.
A teenager's need to find a strong, understanding and accepting adult makes him simultaneously open to new experiences and vulnerable.
It is precisely this need that can be exploited by people and communities that offer easy answers, unconditional acceptance, and a sense of belonging—in exchange for submission.
Therefore, one of the most important tasks for parents during this period is not so much to control every step, but to maintain contact with the teenager.
Stage Four. "I will live my life."
The child becomes a young adult.
He increasingly makes decisions on his own, tells his parents less, and may become more withdrawn.
And then he leaves his parents’ home or begins to build his life in such a way that his parents cease to be its center.
For parents, this period is sometimes experienced as a loss:
"He used to tell me everything."
"I don't even know what's going on with her."
"He doesn't need anything else from us."
But this is exactly what must happen.
A person needs to learn to live with their own head: choose, make mistakes, cope with the consequences and build their own life strategies.
Stage Five. Return
And this is where something interesting happens.
The child returns to his parents—not necessarily physically, of course. The feeling of closeness returns.
But now it's a different relationship.
Not “adult - child”, not “I know better how you should live”, but adult - adult.
Two independent people can be interested in each other's lives, help each other, argue, be close, but without the previous hierarchy.
This is one of the important points of completion of separation:
I can be close to you without ceasing to be separate from you.
Unfortunately, separation does not always go smoothly.
Sometimes a teenager gets stuck in a battle with their parents for a long time. Sometimes parents can't let go of their now-adult child and continue to control their decisions. And sometimes adult children themselves continue to seek parental approval for every important step.
Therefore, teenage rebellion is not necessarily a sign that a relationship is breaking down.
Much more often, in order to one day meet with parents as an adult with adults, a child first has to really distance himself from them.
Tamara Shaposhnikova Psychotherapist, psychologist in the country of origin, PhD in pedagogy, associate professor, psychotherapist of the Unified Register of Europe, Corresponding Member of the International Academy of Postgraduate Education.