In the Torah, in Deuteronomy, there is a commandment that is super relevant today.
Devarim 24:5: "If a man takes a new wife, then... let him be free for a year for his own house and make the wife he took happy."
According to Sefer HaChinuch, this is a separate commandment of the Torah, which commands the husband to “spend the first year with his wife and make her happy.”
What does it mean to “please her” in practical terms?
Khinukh gives a specific definition: not to leave on business so that you live apart from her for many days, but to live with her for a full year from the wedding day.
Therefore, it would be wrong to think that the mitzvah is that the husband is obligated to stay at home all year round. That would be too broad.
And “to please” here also does not literally mean “to constantly entertain your wife.”
In Chinukh's definition, the central point is living together without long separations.
Khinukh himself explains it this way: during this year, a habit and affection for each other should develop. The husband focuses on his wife, and the bond between the spouses becomes strong.
Torah and Attachment Theory
All this is remarkably reminiscent of Bowlby's attachment theory, which has now become a classic of psychology.
Bowlby described attachment as a system of relationships between a child and a caring adult. It would be inappropriate to directly apply his research to newlyweds.
But in the 1980s, Cindy Hazan and Philip Haver proposed that adult romantic love should be viewed as an attachment process.
Later in the adult attachment literature, the partner may gradually become a “caring adult”: a person to whom one turns for closeness and support, whose presence creates a sense of security, and from whom it is especially difficult to separate.
There are many parallels between attachment theory and the First Year Commandment:
- regular, recurring interaction;
- limited separations;
- responsiveness;
- duration;
- gradual development of a stable bond.
One point in particular stands out: safety.
Reliable base in marriage
One of Bowlby's central terms is secure base.
The paradox of healthy attachment is that intimacy shouldn't keep a person close to their partner all the time. On the contrary, confidence in the other person's availability allows one to calmly withdraw into the outside world and return.
If we look at the mitzvah of the first year in this way, we can understand it not as the husband’s obligation to be nearby all the time, but as a period of intensive creation of a new, reliable base.
Before marriage, a person already has other attachment systems:
- parents;
- family of origin;
- friends;
- community.
After marriage, a fundamentally new dyad emerges.
For a spouse to occupy a central place in this system, the mere fact of chuppah is not enough.
The connection must acquire a history:
I'm leaving - I'm coming back; I'm feeling unwell - you're available; A conflict occurs - the connection is restored; I'm feeling good - I'm sharing it with you.
In this sense, it is especially curious that the Torah does not speak only of the wedding joy or the first weeks.
She singles out a long period of life together - a year, during which healthy confidence in each other emerges between the partners.
Why are rabbis returning to the first year?
It is therefore not surprising that if a couple is having difficulties, rabbis who specialize in shlom bayt, peace in the home, carefully study their first year with the husband and wife.
They look for flaws and sometimes recommend redoing at least a month instead of a year as a second attempt at the mitzvah of the “first year” – to re-invest time and effort into building a healthy foundation for the relationship.
The voice of the groom and the voice of the bride
And finally, a quote from the traditional blessing of newlyweds under the chuppah, a verse from the book of the prophet Jeremiah:
“The voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride will still be heard in the mountains of Judea and in the environs of Jerusalem.”
As I heard from Rav Aviezer Wolfson z"l, who, in addition to his deep knowledge of the Torah, was also a great expert in shlom-bait, from here we learn that the groom and the bride speak with a special voice.
And although the blessing hints at lofty things—the union of the Groom, the Almighty, and the Bride, the Jewish people—there is another wish:
return more often to the voice of the bride and groom.
And according to John Gottman, it is the “percentage” of these voices heard in the voices of the husband and wife in the psychologist’s office that will determine the future of their marriage.
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Moshe Estrin Rabbi, member of the Council of Rabbis of Europe, family psychologist, parenting consultant, madrich orim, dementia therapist.