Family Values in a Time of Change and Why Family Is Especially Important Now
I'm a family psychologist. I've been working with relationships for over twenty years.
During this time, I've seen many couples in my office, and even more women who came alone. Young people and those over sixty. Three years of marriage and thirty. With betrayals, with silence, with "everything seems fine, but I can't take it anymore."
Why family When I first started working, families were "treated" for conflict. Today, people come to me with something else – loneliness within their marriage. And I think this is no coincidence. Look at what's happening around us. Rules are changing faster than we can get used to them. Plans are falling apart, foundations that seemed eternal are proving shaky. People have become less aware of what will happen in a year and are becoming much more tired of simply living.
In moments like these, something seemingly simple becomes clear. When things are shaky outside, the only place you can breathe is home. And the person around whom you don't have to put on airs. If this person is there, you can endure almost anything. Without them, things get more difficult.
That's why, I think, family is more important now than ever before in my career. It's like a stable structure that remains at a person's direct disposal. We can't influence the world. But we can influence whether we're heard at our own table.
Why am I talking about this? Because people come to counseling after a long time. On average, a woman endures the "he doesn't listen to me" situation for five to ten years before seeking help. During this time, what's important becomes indifferent, and what's indifferent becomes irreversible. I've seen this too many times to remain silent.
Although, more often than not, it's not difficult to figure out. There's no catastrophe. There's a repeating pattern: you ask with the wrong words, he defends himself instead of listening, you both get tired and fall silent. This pattern can be demonstrated, and it stops working. But for that to happen, someone has to say it out loud: this isn't normal. And it can be fixed. That's what I do.
I'm not a proponent of preserving relationships at any cost. I'm all for stopping trying to do things alone and finding common ground.
About the author
The author of the article is Victoria Ratnikova, a family psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with relationships.
If you feel that there is less intimacy and understanding in your relationship, you can discuss your situation during a consultation.